Matari Reflections

I tried. I tried from the beginning to do my best for the Annwn tribe but…I think that’s the problem. I blame myself. Some of our members split off in a cloud of lies and are now in an alliance that claims to be anti-pirate and pro-Minmatar but seems to spend a lot of time blowing up Pator tech school students in Rifters. Fitting their Alliance name is a bastardized form of the word Annwn. No one to blame but myself for that. Stupid thing is, I still miss a couple of them.

I tried. I tried my best for Eran. I came back like Shalee asked but…seems to have made not the slightest bit of difference beyond making things continually worse for the tribe. I also lied. Told Eran I was over him. I’m not.

I tried to make things better for the kids my adopted mother was caring for…I think I at least succeeded there but…there are more. There are always more. I’t why I need to go back to Vo’Shun. No one will ever be able to convince me again I don’t belong there.

I tried to protect some of my friends…I hope I have succeeded there as well. The Capsuleer wing of the tribe is in good hands with Literia and Cheiftan and Elysia, and as long as Berk, Rath, Daev, and Krystel are there, I know Starfish is as well.

Plentyn is coming with me. I can’t talk him out of it. He blames himself and…when he say’s he chose me to lead the capsuleer wing of the Tribe…I can’t argue with him. Elysia’s pretty pissed off about it apparently but Plentyn can be as stubborn as I can. I don’t know what Stella’s going to do…she won’t talk to me, but she has already made clear she is leaving the tribe.

I got pretty sick last time I was on Vo’Shun and…I don’t intend to flee to space to clone jump. It’s time I be human again. If I could say anything to other capsuleers, it would be that, we are not God’s among men. We just have more tools.

((OOC – I have sold Sophie and my Alts as I have been dealing with a Cyber-Stalker for the last 8 months and now that it is taken care of everywhere but in eve, I am leaving eve. To all my friends, you know who you are, Thank you.))

I’ve realized many things in the last few weeks. Not the least of which that I was right when I felt I belonged on Vo’Shun. I was also wrong. I realized why I’ve always hated labels so much. Not only did I fit in on Vo”Shun…I do not fit in here. And even if it is not generally known that I am…that I should have been an outcast… I feel it. More an more all the time. But as before…it seems as though there are always opposing forces. They appear suddenly and without warning and push you somewhere, and then disappear. At least as a force from your life. Sometimes.

I found one of my old missives to the corp, around the time of the Seyllin accident, and, it seems just as appropriate today in the wake of the Sansha Incursions…like those two events are linked somehow…It is the Sansha that hold me back here now that I am off Vo’shun but I know somehow that I wouldn’t fit in there now anyway. Nothing really new to report on the Sansha front. We…or rather, a tribe member…lost family to them after a short lived war with…well…it’s the most ridiculous thing. We had to pay CONCORD to fight an organization that was attacking them in aid of Sansha, and then take a security hit to prtect members of our tribe from another corp of Supporters. We saved her, she saved her brother. The rest of the family was never reclaimed from Amarr and now…reside in Nation. Orphans. All of us.

I’ve let this go too long again. I’ll cover what I can, as best i can and…hope it’s not too disjointed.

The kids are all settled in now. We never did get an adoption application from Eran. Mother seems to be okay, though I haven’t spoken to her in far too long. Haven’t heard from Cynn either. Was kind of aimless here once the kids were settled but, once the Sansha Invasions started, I like to believe that’s why fate made me come back, leave Vo’Shun…a place I felt I belonged.

Yet another smear campaign has been undertaken against me. Almost a regular occurrence now.

We’ve been trying to mobilize against the Sansha threat, and I did manage this. After Maut, the combination threat from Nation and it’s capsuleer supporters has led us to become more active in working with others to combat these incursions. Still trying to piece together the puzzle but, it became neccessary to file a war dec against some of these sympathizers. This conversation made clear we had to target those outside of the scope of our war dec to protect one of our members from continued harassment at the toasters hands. It’s hurting us with Concord, but our path is set. Bigfood was around and he helped, as did a couple other capsuleers we’ve just met since taking up this fight.

Eran has left the Amarr Militia (thankfully) and has returned to help us counter the Sansha threat. I almost wish he hadn’t. It sometimes seems the ‘verse relies on these incursions, those of space, sovereignty, freedom, of the heart and mind. Like it’s what keeps the cluster spinning…

Well, the children are all settled and seem to be healthier and happier already, though they miss Keena. I think I was tricked off of Vo’Shun, especially as I have barely spoken to Eran at all since coming back. I was convinced by someone else not to go back, for reasons I won’t go into, and it turned out to probably be the right decision. For now at least.

The Sansha attacks have given me more reason and purpose to stay in space. I could be discouraged  at the perfect ineptitude shown by CONCORD, but I am happy to have flown with Captain Dorgiers. I could be discouraged at the fossil-like adaptability of the Empires, and some in all factions, instead I am heartened by flying with pilots like Graelyn and Sinjin Mokk and others of all factions to defend all of New Eden I could be lost in the face of the implications of the tactics and technology used by the Nation, instead I find hope in the actions of pilots like my friend Wedge and the others in Operation Bad Moon. We will put an end to this Sansha threat, and when we do, I hope we can break the shackles of CONCORD and Empires and continue working to make life better for all those who oppose slavery of any kind.

*appears wearing a worn brown robe, her dreads frayed and sparse, like some are missing. Her cheeks are dirty and hollow, and there is a large smudge of dirt on her forehead*

I don’t seem to be able to…find my place, a place. Or rather, be allowed to stay in one when I think I have. I found my answers on Vo’Shun. I thought I belonged there, as an outcast. A tradition I despise.

I could look at the woman who adopted me and hate, I mean feel the hate rising up inside, hate for the people that did this too her, and the tradition they were following. Our own people, our own traditions. And then, I look at myself and…I understand. I understand it completely, why it is exists…the reason. It’s me. People like me.

It took me less than a week before I took the children of the woman that adopted me…took me in. Now…now I’ve been forced to leave her too. Out cast from Vo’Shun *laughs*

I’m sitting here, in Arzad, in an Amarrian station in a recently conquered Minmatar system. The Amarrians look at me with the thinly disguised resentment reserved for conquerors, and the Minmatar…they seem to know what I am, and that I don’t belong among others. *reaches forward as the image flicks off*

*Sophie appears, looking wan and haggard. Her pale face is smudged a bit with what looks like dirt and crayon, her dreads are frayed*

I…I don’t know when this will get there…I’m using…inferior technology to send this and the relays…*shrugs a bit* I…I’m not even sure what to say really…I just…*furrows her brow* Something needs to be said I just…I just don’t know what. *glances off screen and a hint of a smile appears. she turns back to the recording device* I’m on Vo’Shun. I’m safe…safer than any capsuleer has a right to expect here…

I don’t know what I expected to find here but…the last thing I expected to find was…home. *pauses for a long moment* I’m sorry I…I know I’m not making any sense but…I don’t know where to start to make sense of it. I…I met someone here. An amazing woman who…*stops herself and regains her composure* An amazing woman who runs an orphanage here, among the damned. Caring for children who won’t live very long or pleasant lives. Adopting strays…*stops herself again, her lips drawing into a tight line. When she speaks again it is through clenched teeth* An amazing woman who has been exiled and had her tongue cut out, and not by the Amarrians…but by Minmatar. Her crime? A bad volvul mark. Like me.

You don’t have to exile me, I exiled myself, though, this is more of a home than I ever found up there *lets her gaze drift up, staring for a long while before slowly looking back down and into the recording device * You are going to be sorry you didn’t cut my tongue out though… *the screen goes black*

*credits appear on the screen*

:: This recording is set to be released at 112.04.09 06:00 ::

112.04.06 Press Release: 14:19 EVE Standard

*the credits fade out and Eran Mintor appears*
Sigma, Peace, and Greetings Intergalactic Summit,

Normally I am not one for press releases, especially pertaining to my personal affairs however, I have obligations to the greater Minmatar, both in and out of the Republic, to portray something that is not often spoken or even truly known about; I speak of the few outcast Minmatar left for dead on Vo’Shun.”

*the image pauses and cross fades to Sophie*

Those words…those simple words have led me on a journey I am still trying to comprehend.  I am one of the ones who knew nothing about this practice. We…we were raised in isolation and, while our Mother put us through the Volvul…I’m not sure our parents ever told us the names of our marks, or what they meant. When we were found…it was by the Gallente, who took no notice of our marks. They were the ones that did our capsuleer testing and when we were accepted at Pator Tech, still no one had seen our marks or even asked about them. Later we found the Annwn and, they never mentioned marks, I haven’t thought about them at all actually, until those words.

I feel like…like… I don’t even know. Maybe I’m supposed to be on Vo’shun right now. Maybe Stella is, or both of us..I don’t know. I asked Plentyn but, while the Annwn Matar do practice the Volvul…they don’t exile anybody. Plentyn even told me that it is rumoured in some circles that it was this that caused the Annwn to split from the Starkmanir in the first place. You would think being almost annihilated would put an end to this practice…I find it hard to believe the Annwn are the only ones who have. Does it really need to get that bad before we stop turning on our own people? My faith in the Republic has always been tempered but…this? I am ashamed of my people.

I had barely started dealing with all of this and the implications when Eran was kidnapped. I hadn’t dealt with Eran being kidnapped until he was returned and his return…I can’t…I…*tries to find the right word and then gives up. After a long moment she continues*

I’ve been considering my options and…while Plentyn may be able to define the marks by Annwn belief, that still won’t answer whether or not I belong here, whether Stella does. I have considered not having our marks read, but…I have to know…I need to know, and going to a Shaman outside of the Annwn entails too much risk. Not to me…I don’t really care anymore but…to Stella, to the Annwn…the last thing I need to do is stir up a controversy over this that may endanger their relations with the Republic. I think I have found a fourth option now, and it solves another problem too.

I haven’t told anyone where I am going, and, I don’t know when I’ll be back. Sigma *chuckles a bit as the screen goes black*

the Amarr/Minmatar front is always interesting to say the least. Dodging pirates to engage the enemy, dodging the enemy to engage pirates. Those same pirates I referred in earlier dispatches are back again, under a new banner. They still have their spies in the Militia we are powerless to do anything about, but…the difference is palpable. Not only is the militia no longer divided, which had been my only real goal and concern last time, but side effects I could never have foreseen have occurred. In two separate instances last week, the Amarr and Minmatar Militia’s worked together. Not in the boardrooms, or at conference tables, or among diplomats, but with those of us on the field. In the heat of battle, cease fires were ordered and honoured, until pirate threats had been eliminated.

However else this conflict can be characterized, it does boil down to those of us in the militia risking our lives to to destroy the WAY the other lives. Even us capsuleers, though the risk is significantly smaller to us, put our lives on the line to defend our own way of life. That this can be put aside for a higher purpose, on the field of battle, if even for a moment, speaks volumes about the humanity left in us.

Joe Martin…I’ve killed you…you’ve killed me. I’m sure we would both gladly do it again. I would give my life many times over to see your values defeated. I disagree with all that you stand and fight for. Yet…your actions on the battlefield have garnered my unending respect, as a warrior, as a capsuleer, and as a human being.

Well…I’ve been quiet again for awhile. As every other time, when it’s quiet here, it’s anything but quiet in my life. Despite the length of my silence, this time is no different. I’ve dug myself quite a hole. Part of me suspects I do this on purpose, as a defense mechanism. Part of me knows the wisdom distance imparts but, too distant and detail is lost. Sacrificed for the bigger picture. the events of the last few months have unfolded with startling unrelentingness.  I say unfolded, unravelled might be a better word. Like a ball of yarn bouncing down a flight of stairs, getting smaller and smaller until only a hard core remains. A hard core of a different material, a different nature, with only a small trail to show it’s passing. But there is always a trail.

The hole I’ve dug myself this time is this, after each new step, when I thought the string had played out enough, enough distance had been reached between the event and the update…Bam. Another step. Another unravelling.

Every update I can give needs context, and in every case, the context is too personal to reveal on a public blog. Not for me, but for others. Three years of events taking place over three months will get only three sentences of update. 1- My marriage has ended. 2- Most of my friendships have ended, and 3- I am back in the Militia to repay a debt I feel I owe a failing Republic I am losing hope for.

Got involved in something a little odd this week. Still trying to figure it all out. Our old alliance asked us for help. I couldn’t quite follow the trail of CONCORD paperwork but, it seemed that they had war dec’ed a griefer corp that had war dec’ed a mining corp. Well, this is right up our alley, and we don’t like Mining corps in Minmatar space being bothered by griefers. We agreed to help and my sister Stella entered her corp into this alliance we had left over a year ago. Myself and a few others filed our transfers and we prepared for war.

The next day we were active, the others were around before I was an had some experiences with both the enemy, and our new allies. Other than the fact that we lost a ship gathering intel in the morning all I really discovered was that it took us one day to gather significantly more intel than the alliance seemed to have gathered. I undocked and prepared to make the trek, and was a little surprised to discover a war target guarding our exit system. Entering the next system was another target and the next system another. I was getting excited. here at last was an enemy that would undock. I went slowly enough for them to keep track of me, and started noticing a number of people that seemed to be traveling with them. I communicated with Alliance that I could lead the War targets where they wanted and received no response. So I back-tracked, again, slow enough to be followed. After a few systems, I had pretty much nailed down who was tailing me on behalf of the war targets. These guys didn’t act like griefers but, I got some breathing room and hung out in space, a little more interested in gathering intel on who was on our side.

After my corpmates came back and trying to organize the alliances fleet, I still knew more about the enemy than our own fleet. We started becoming very uneasy with the confusion. People that were willing to fight, weren’t part of the war dec, the corp we were supposedly there defending seemed very belligerent. With the confusion about who was at war and why and who was actually willing to fight…we couldn’t honestly stay. We pulled out. It took a few more hours to sort out what seemed to have happened and the details are still sketchy. It apparently all boiled down to some conflict in a communication channel, involving this mining corp that was apparently ransomed by the enemy, and the Alliance had moved to help. A ridiculous reason for a war.

The rep from the mining corp seemed to want no help, and the ‘griefer’ corp seemed nothing like griefers, other than this supposed ransom they were being charged. The Alliance leader seemed upset about something, what it exactly was I still couldn’t quite figure out, but minutes after us pulling out of the war, the Alliance retracted their war as well. He then mentioned something about having to pay the ransom for this corp that didn’t want his, or our help. I still have no idea why. One pilot who had lost a ship had a correspondence with the war target corp. Our impression of them hasn’t changed, which just adds to the confusion of what happened.

So, a fiasco, in all senses of the word really, but one. I am very proud of my tribe. When asked for help, they didn’t hesitate to put their ships on the line. Even after the heat of battle, they maintained enough composure to view the situation around them with open eyes. They were professional and did their jobs the best they could be done. Out of the confusion and chaos, we held our heads. And who knows? The universe works in strange ways. Maybe it required us to enter the war and withdraw to put an end to it. So, while it looks like the only benefit that came of it was to us, perhaps not. Perhaps others benefited from this as well.

We can hope.